I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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