no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
