I look better un-naked...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
