I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
