I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
