Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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