i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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