I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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