she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
