I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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