Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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