the new term for farting is butt boxing.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What a dumb baby whore.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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