I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
