I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Randomize
