I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
