I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
