Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
