Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
