If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
