i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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