Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
