I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
