she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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