I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
