Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
