his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
