i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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