I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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