i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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