dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
