he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
