My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
