If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
