I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
