This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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