I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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