No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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