3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
