I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
