i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
