my phone needs a breathalizer
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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