made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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