I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
