I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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