I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
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