Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
