im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
