i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
