She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
