I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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