It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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