There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Someone signed my nipple.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
