I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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